tr00 & False - The editiors of Metal Inquisition take no prisoners; take no shit
Every time the editors of Metal Inquisition come back to us with a brand new edition of their weekly recap — tr00 & False — we regret our decision to let them do so more and more. They don't give a fuck who they offend and their opinions are sometimes (usually) completely different than the public consensus. Here is their take on some of this week's stories. Please note the opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of Metal Injection
Brutal Truth are touring again
When I was 14 or 15, I used to call Kevin Sharp and just talk to him. I would ask him all kinds of stupid questions and clearly had no ability to detect what surely must have been a complete lack of interest in talking to some 9th grader for an hour on a Saturday afternoon. In retrospect that was probably really fucking annoying and weird, so thanks for putting up with me Kevin! I just hope they play "Perpetual Conversion" because that song jams.
Dimebag Darrel bio in the works
I fucking love Pantera. There's nothing I like to do better than take off my shirt and sing "Mouth For War" in the mirror. Or grab people on the street by the collar and scream, "High noon, your doom!!" But as sad as I am to lose Dime, you have to admit… it was kind of cool that someone killed him because he thought Damageplan sucked!! I mean, it's like something I would say when I was drunk, only somebody actually did it. Now if someone would spray Hell Yeah with a fire extinguisher full of AIDS.
Kid Rock teams up with Dale Jr
Fuck yes! A few months ago I was floored when I saw Kid Rock's "American Warrior" video before a movie, probably some romantic comedy with Paul Rudd. Anyway, this song fucking jams, I love Kid Rock. The best thing about him is how he let Whoopie Goldberg play drums for him in that song "American Badass" that Metallica sampled. I love that song, especially the thrash part! I don't know why people get all nostalgic about 80s hardcore when there are much more contemporary artists like Kid Rock that thrash just as hard, only with much better production and with tons of strippers in the audience.
Devin Townsend releases some new music or something
Devin Townsend/Strapping Young Lad fanboys are some of the most annoying of all them, rivaling Mike Patton dickriders. He looks like some kind of goblin, heaving and straining to play his guitar like he's a troll slaving away in the pits of Mordor to forge a fucking sword or something, balding mullet flapping with every swing of his pickaxe. I never understood what was so great about SYL, although perhaps it's because I mostly remember Devin for his years with Steve Vai. Can someone fill me in? I have a feeling it's the same thing that explains why Dream Theater, World of Warcraft, and Magic The Gathering are popular.
Chicago Powerfest exists
Ugh, I can only imagine what a wretched sausage fest this fucking fest is going to be. I've never heard of any of these bands except for Soil (aren't they ex-Oppressor?), but I don't need to. I'm sure that if there are any chicks there, they'll have long-ass Mormon hair, fat arms, and giant bush- all squeezed into some outfit from Torrid with lots of green and purple velvet in it. All the dudes there will be more interested in jizzing over some dude's sweep picking than trying to get in a girl's pants anyway. Look, I understand the need to escape from reality from time to time, but enough with the fucking castle rock and fretboard masturbation already. At least some of the better bands in this genre like Blind Guardian play with gauntlets on, which is metal as fuck. And didn't Iced Earth have an entire album about the Red Baron?!? I don't know if it's the pilot or the frozen pizzas, either way it's fucking rad.
Metal Injection indulges drum nerds with Sick Drummer contest
Look, I'll admit that I've spent more than a few hours on Youtube watching drum videos from Sikfuk, Decrepit Birth, Origin, and Dave Weckl, but the last thing the world needs is to encourage more young men to stay in their bedroom and play drums. Especially this kind of drumming, which is guaranteed not to get you laid or get you the attention of anyone other than males with beards, beer bellies, and social anxiety. If you are a parent, please don't let your kid play drums. You are dooming him to a life of involuntary abstinence (how's that for a Dumt reference??). Please don't do this to him! Encourage him to play sports, drink alcohol, and wear American Eagle clothes. Everybody reading this knows what a sad, lonely life it is to be a metal fan, and the saddest, loneliest of all of us are the drummers. Shame on Metal Injection for participating!!