Metal Injection

By Ben Apatoff

GLENN DANZIG's influence on punk and metal is unquestionable. At the last show I caught, two separate bands on the bill covered different songs Danzig wrote for THE MISFITS. Still, had he never written a decent song, Danzig could earn a spot in punk and metal history for having enough funny moments caught on camera to fill up an entire VH1 series. Some highlights would have to be:

1. Danzig has a glass jaw

Being a musclehead rock star does not entitle you to be a jackass, something which Danzig clearly forgot when he shoved and insulted a fellow heavyweight backstage. On behalf of metalheads, viral video enthusiasts and everyone who's ever put up with Danzig's crap, one man landed a haymaker right on Danzig's kisser, treating us to a sight and sound that gets funnier with repeated viewings.

2. Danzig has no depth perception:

In fairness, not everyone who trips and falls offstage gets caught on camera. But also, not everyone who trips is a pompous prick like Glenn Danzig. If you don't have patience for his mood-building, skip to about four minutes in.

3. Danzig is a scholar

Like JIM MORRISON, Danzig likes to philosophize about the heavy subjects while shirtless under dim lighting. I'm in no position to scoff at others for lack of intellect, but even Danzig's pseudo-intellectual hero from THE DOORS didn't talk about books as if he were still in 5th grade. I wonder how much of Danzig's library was written by R.L. Stine.

4. Danzig still does his own shopping

OK, so this isn't really Glenn Danzig, but it'd be to his credit if it were. "Yaaaams!"

5. Danzig is open to collaboration

See #4. This is exactly the kind of music both Danzig and SHAKIRA should be performing nowadays.

6. Danzig still buys his own homes

This one we can confirm is actually Mr. Danzig, who joins ZAKK WYLDE, TED NUGENT and ANDREW W.K. as headbangers who've co-starred on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Shake needn't be afraid, as Danzig isn't known to take a punch well, although it would be quite an honor to have cereal eaten out of the bottom of your skull by the guy who wrote Walk Among Us.

As much fun as it is to laugh at him, Danzig did write some pretty great songs. So enjoy "Last Caress," right here: