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THE HELL WROTE A SCATHING OPEN LETTER TO METALCORE, YOU DICK

Posted by on August 28, 2014 at 12:04 pm

IN THE SPIRIT OF OUR MUSICAL SAVIORS THE HELL, I HAVE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

THE HELL ARE NO STRANGERS TO CONTROVERSY, NOR ARE THEY CAPABLE OF SHYING AWAY FROM IT. PANSIES SHY AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. NOT THE HELL. THAT IS WHY THEY WROTE THE TRUEST OPEN LETTER TO BULLSHIT MUSIC METALCORE EVER, WHICH WAS PUBLISHED BY METAL HAMMER RECENTLY. IF YOU NEED ONE GOOD REASON TO READ THE LETTER, IT CALLS OUT FALLING IN REVERSE FOR BEING UTTER BULLSHIT IN THEIR LYRICISMS. IF YOU NEED A LONGER ANSWER, RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND GET BACK TO ME.

"DEAR METALCORE,

JUST FUCK OFF.

I AM WRITING YOU THIS AS AN OPEN LETTER, NOT BECAUSE I AM TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO SAY IT TO YOUR FACE, BUT BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND YOUR FUCKING ADDRESS IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

PLEASE STOP. NO ONE FUCKING CARES ANY MORE. IT'S DIFFICULT TO WORK OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM ANYONE. I SAW A FEW METALCORE BANDS OVER THE SUMMER AND I'VE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING FURIOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. THESE GUYS GET UP ON STAGE, SHOUTING 'WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS READY FOR A GOOD FUCKING TIME', AND THEN PROCEED TO SCREAM EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY ROMANTIC FAILURE THEY'VE EVER HAD. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT MATE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO WANT TO HEAR IT ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE INTERESTED IN SHIT LIKE CRYING AND FLOWERS.

A TIP FROM THE TOP THOUGH, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO STOMACH YOUR OVERLY-SENTIMENTAL, GROTESQUE CIRCUS OF HEARTBREAK IF YOU WEREN’T SELLING T-SHIRTS TO PRE-TEENS THAT LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF SWEARY, MISOGYNIST VERSION OF ADVENTURE TIME.

YOU’RE CONFUSED, METALCORE. IT’S ALMOST UPSETTING. TAKE 'ALONE' BY FALLING IN REVERSE. IT’S CLASSIC METALCORE. VERSES ABOUT HOW YOU’RE SHAGGING MY HYPOTHETICAL WIFE, THEN A (BEAUTIFULLY SUNG) CHORUS ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FED UP OF BEING ALONE AND YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT HOME AND NO ONE’S ON THE PHONE AND DIAL TONE AND PAYDAY LOAN. JUST FUCK OFF.

SO METALCORE, TO AVOID FUTURE HEARTBREAK AND TO SPARE US ANY MORE METALCORE ALBUMS – STOP BEING SUCH A CUNT.

YOURS SINCERELY (AND WE ARE ALWAYS SINCERE),

NAILS

THE HELL"

YES. THERE IS A WAY TO DO ROMANCE AND HEARTBREAK IN YOUR LYRICS. CONTRADICTION  IS NOT THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT IT… AND WHY ACT LIKE A TOUGH GUY? WHO CARES THAT SALLY LEFT YOU AND YOU WANT TO FUCK HER MOM AS REVENGE BECAUSE SHE HAS BIGGER GAUGES NOW AND HER FLATBRIM HAT IS BETTER THAN YOURS. SWAG.

ALSO, IF YOU HAVE THE ADDRESS FOR METALCORE PLEASE REACH OUT.

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[VIA METAL HAMMER]

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