How I spent my September with PSYOPUS

Ever want to know what its like to go on tour with a working-class musician? METAL Injection correspondent Justina Villanueva was on the road with Psyopus during the just-wrapped Grinding to Cataclysm Tour and checks in with her final update from the road. Click here for previous updates

I've been home for about a week now and have enjoyed my fair share of "What it's like to be back in NYC" moments. Like riding NJ Transit during rush hour with a cheekful of this middle-aged woman's titty riding on my face because the bus was so packed. Or like getting dry-humped while shooting a band at Lit Lounge. But, its what I'll endure to be in the place I love most.

As for tour, getting internet was much harder than I thought it would be, especially when my computer was defunct. So in exchange for all the times I should have had mediocre blog posts for you to read here are some random bits from some of the more memorable days.

Day 18: Albuquerque, NM-Amarillo, TX

A super high-speed version of Final Destination played in my head the morning we left to Amarillo, TX. Chris [Arp, guitarist] had just had the ceiling fan hit his fingers as he stretched to get his shirt over his head. A pause from his whining turned into a near death experience when the ceiling fan came crashing down several minutes later (yes, he whined about it for minutes). The remarkable part is how the propellers landed in a way that neatly missed three of our heads. As Brian made his exit from the bathroom, I thought he would be next to escape death. Or even just have a bizarre death in consequence for thinking Steve Martin (we watched The Jerk the night before) was Harrison Ford. Instead, we were equally punished at The War Legion Underground, where the mosquitoes ripped through our skin.

Day 19: Victoria, TX
This was one of those times where I would have preferred a day off. Many shows begin with local bands that take double the time to set up than the touring bands. Don't get me wrong, there were some cool locals during this tour, but today was not one of those shows. The promoter booked his own band to open the show. You would expect that to mean that his band is going to draw a decent crowd and that they would be professional. However half the band was missing at the time of their set so everyone had to wait an hour, meanwhile the touring bands just drove 12 hours overnight to the show. That's what to expect when someone is so incompetent that their mom must take over the show. In consequence, technically it was Saturday by the time Psyopus was allowed to perform. They tried to pull off a Metallica Friday but the lords of Friday didn't let them fully accomplish their goal. Four Horsemen didn't go as planned. I still say they should have done "Jump In The Fire." Then, we would have had a reason to burn that mother down.

Day 22: Metairie, LA

"She's every man's dream
She's God's gift to Earth
Women they love 'em too
That's what you call a women's worth
See I love all the strippers
Because they show me love
They know I never pay as free whenever I hit the club
But I can't even lie
The girls are here so fly
She slidin' up and down that pole got me mesmerized
Mike Jones don't ever trick
But god damn she thick
I can't lie, I must admit
I'm in love with a stripper"

T-Pain sang it best. It happens to many people after their first lapdance. Jason just never expected it from himself. But, everyone else in the van expected it to happen. Bourbon Street was the place of choice after Left To Vanish defeated Psyopus in a turbulent football match in The High Ground's graffiti laden parking lot. Now, you should now that Jason is very picky when it comes to picking his ladies. For example, the list below details the only girls he can put into his "hot" category. Think of every hot actress/musician you jerked off to. If she's not on this list, Jason does not find her hot. (And, yes, he is constantly ridiculed for this. Jasonflip.)

Yet, somehow Hustler's Barely Legal club really set the par for this heavy metal drummer. Mike Horn blabbed for days about Jason's experience with Piper. Jason's only place for rant was how he gave her a back massage. But, we never stopped hearing about it.

The Only Girls Jason Bauers Finds Hot List
Scarlett Johansson
Tegan & Sara
Bjork
Jennifer Connolly
Shannyn Sossamon
Mallory (from Massachusetts)
Jenny (the half Japanese girl from Providence)
Brianna (from Canada)
Angelina Jolie (from Hackers only)

"I would rip my dick off and throw it at her just to say my dick touched her"– Chris Arp discussing Angelina Jolie

Ingrid Bergman (Casablanca)
Rihanna
Mandy Moore ("that gets the thumbs up" says Jason)
Demi Moore
Kat von D
Lisa Loeb
Cameron Diaz (from The Mask era only)
Halle Berry
Mariah Carey
Rachel Wiess
Lori Laughlin
Rose McGowan
Sarah [from Portland, her parents grow pot]
Zoe Lindsey [Gary's wife is a "Babe"]
Piper [stripper from Hustler's Barely Legal on Bourbon St.]

Day 23: Tallahassee, FL

For Psyopus' last song, The White Light, Brian or Chris thought it would be a good idea for the 20 people who came to the show to get on stage. It wasn't a good idea. It was a brilliant scheme that attracted a local homeless dude to jump on stage and spazz. It was too much for Jason to take in. He actually stopped playing because he was laughing so hard. This had Psyopus steaming with adrenaline for a rematch game. But, Left to Vanish (except for Keith the champ) decided to forfeit in exchange to party.

Day 25: Tampa, FL

Last night Psyopus and Fuck the Facks spent the night at the house of the guys from the Apparatus. There was plenty of room, but the boys still find ways to get stay close to each other and goof around. In between the boys touching each other's peepees (that's how they get down after 3am) we shouted names of some of the most delicious bands out there.

Burnt By The Sunchip
Judas Pastry
Metallicuts
Pantera Bread
Guns N Oreos
Iron Marmalade
Everytime I Dine
As I Lay Dining
I Wrestled An Eclair Once
Clifton Bar
Baskin Robinson
See You Next Tues-danish
Mastodonut
Cephalic Cabbage
Motley Stew
Into The Float
If Hope Fries
Morbid Angel Food Cake
Glass Slaw
Testapeppermint
Queenstrype
Despised IHOP
Bunearth
War From An Omelets Mouth
Underoats
White[chocolate]chapel
Protest the Gyro [my post-tour addition]

Day 27: Virginia Beach, VA

Chris and I wisely spent six dollars on a 3-D maze. You can't see it here, but everything moves and there is dimension, IN EVERYTHING. Eat acid, listen to Psyopus and go to the 3-D maze.

This was one of those special band bonding nights. We stood with Drew (right, in picture above) from Waiting Mortuary and turned his two bedroom condo into a tattoo parlor. But, priorities were at hand: no one was inked until after Lil Wayne thumb picked an electric guitar on SNL. After Drew showed us a bunch of pictures his friend stole from Walgreens (images of overweight women with obesely hairy bushes in lingerie were some of the less effective art passed around), Keith (lead singer of Killadelphia's Left to Vanish) tattooed a Mr. Potato Head mustache onto Hibbs' (bassist of Fuck the Facts) elbow. Following, Chris got a Shit Smack drawing on his leg. The session didn't finish until 5:30am and everyone woke up at 6 to pick up Brian's (Left to Vanish) fiance from the train station. While those losers were sleepless and getting gross wings at some shitty sports bar in Fredericksburg, the rest of us were slept late and got Cracker Barrel.

note: The man to the right is an impostor. Hibbs is left.

Day 28: Fredericksburg, VA

AHHHH, GERMANS!!!

It was a pretty cool show even though there were a thousand locals whose crowd was their parents (equipped with today's most proficient point and shoots). We slept at Mike's big ass house. Jason and Ville shared half a bottle of gin. And, the return of Piper's legacy emerged. Jason became the Bauers and called Hustler's Barely Legal to leave his phone number for her. But, only after trying to get anyone in the room to help him make the call. He even argued with me to videotape the phone call (so that at least one person witnessed his actions), insisting that it was "Metal Injection material." When the club said it was against policy to take numbers from guests, he resorted to fighting with everyone in the room to lend him a laptop. He ended up using Mike's computer to leave a message on the club's website. And because Mr. Horn [the one who chooses Hagar over Roth] helped Jason write the message in his drunken stupor, this was the result

To Piper – 9/15/2008
Hey, it's Jason, the drummer from Psyopus. I gave you that back massage about a week ago. I'll be in town again in about a month, and I wanted to know your dance schedule during the week. Here's my email address, please let me know if you can.

Thanks,
Jason

jasonbauers@gmail.com
myspace.com/psyopus

Day 29: Doylestown, PA

Daniel (WFAHM) get's busy with Sean's (LTV) guitar.

Mel throws water at Philip for the last time.

Hop on the drummer massage train.

Bandmates snark each other for the last time.

Guitar gods or geeks?

This was the final show for most of us, including me. Lots of goofy stuff was going on during everyone's set, even after the show when we attempted our group photo and I fell off a table and broke a vase. The real party though was at the Eagle Diner in the middleofnowhere, PA. THEY HAD EAGLE SANDWICHES! There was discussion among Psyopus and Fuck the Facts about doing a split. But, who knows if it will happen. Both bands drove to my parents' 2 bedroom apartment where after their 12 bodies went to sleep, there was no room to walk anywhere without stepping on someone.

Day 30: East Rutherford, NJ
I'm home for the first time in a month. I don't know what to do with myself (besides finding more photo jobs), but it's okay. Psyopus will be back in a month for CMJ and a couple of other dates. In the meantime fix your eyes on this…