Every time the editors of Metal Inquisition come back to us with a brand new edition of their weekly recap — tr00 & False — we regret our decision to let them do so more and more. They don't give a fuck who they offend and their opinions are sometimes (usually) completely different than the public consensus. Here is their take on some of this week's stories. Please note the opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of Metal Injection.

Tr00

QUEENSRŸCHE Vocalist Interviewed On 107.3 WKLQ's 'Metal' Show; Audio Available
I am from Seattle so naturally I love Queensryche. Actually, that's not true: I am from Seattle but they are terrible. But I do love the video for "Queen of the Reich" where they play heavy metal freedom fighters who wage war against the evil regime that tries to ban rock n roll from the post-apocalyptic wasteland that they inhabit. They just don't make videos like that anymore!!

MEGADETH's DAVE MUSTAINE: 'I'll Be In The HALL OF FAME One Way Or The Other, I Know That'
I love Dave Mustaine's confidence! Absolutely everybody on the face of the planet hates him passionately, yet he soldiers on in the face of adversity like a true hero. I mean, if even one person hated me as much as literally millions of people hate Dave Mustaine, I would stick my head in the oven before you can say "high speed dirt." But not Dave! He gets up every morning, looks himself in the mirror, and says "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

Reunited PESTILENCE: Performance Footage Of New Lineup Available
I am stoked that Pestilence is playing again. The downside is that internet metal dorks ever will be unable to shut up about it, so I will be forced to endure millions of fangasms about how "amazing" they are. Seriously guys, let's try to keep the enthusiasm to a minimum. Being enthusiastic is for amateurs. Being excessively cynical is for amateurs too. The only acceptable response to this news, or any news for that matter, is lukewarm detachment. For example, if your friend calls you and says "Hey dude, you won the lottery!! $250 million!! You're rich, bitch!!" you should just be like "That's cool. I gotta finish watching this movie but I'll check it out later."

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ANVIL Documentary Reviewed By NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO
Great, more pretentious nerds talking about metal, just what we needed. I can't wait to hear fucking Teri Gross' thoughts on how vulnerable she felt while watching this dumb movie. When over-educated dorks invade the metal world, it reminds me of my favorite Anal Cunt song, "I'm Glad Jazz Faggots Don't Like Us Anymore." Maybe Teri Gross should listen to my favorite line: "you thought we went to art school. but we worked at gas stations" and jam some Gut or Meat Shits.

GEORGE LYNCH: Video Footage Of GEARHOUNDS Clinic Available
Did I miss something? Because I thought it was 2009, not 1989, and in 2009, nobody gives a flying fuck about George Lynch. Even back in the day I thought he was a pop tart. I can only imagine what a wretched sausage party one of these "clinics" must be… Guitar stores are maybe a tiny, tiny notch above Pokemon conventions and Magic card games on the scale of things that are full of pudgy, sweaty nerds who won't shut up, and I have to guess that a George Lynch clinic attracts a particularly special breed of mouth-breathing, socially awkward lardass. Do not want!

METALLICA Autograph Forgeries Hit All-Time High Following ROCK HALL Induction
If you care about the fact that there are counterfeit Metallica autographs out there, kill yourself immediately. I would like to know how many fake Robert Trujillo autographs are out there, though: "Keep on crabwalkin, your bro Robert Trujillo." You would think that having his autograph on a Metallica CD would actually lower its value in the same way as if your little cousin wrote "STEVE IS GAY" on it.

Every time the editors of Metal Inquisition come back to us with a brand new edition of their weekly recap — tr00 & False — we regret our decision to let them do so more and more. They don't give a fuck who they offend and their opinions are sometimes (usually) completely different than the public consensus. Here is their take on some of this week's stories. Please note the opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of Metal Injection

Tr00

Brutal Truth are touring again
When I was 14 or 15, I used to call Kevin Sharp and just talk to him. I would ask him all kinds of stupid questions and clearly had no ability to detect what surely must have been a complete lack of interest in talking to some 9th grader for an hour on a Saturday afternoon. In retrospect that was probably really fucking annoying and weird, so thanks for putting up with me Kevin! I just hope they play "Perpetual Conversion" because that song jams.

Dimebag Darrel bio in the works
I fucking love Pantera. There's nothing I like to do better than take off my shirt and sing "Mouth For War" in the mirror. Or grab people on the street by the collar and scream, "High noon, your doom!!" But as sad as I am to lose Dime, you have to admit… it was kind of cool that someone killed him because he thought Damageplan sucked!! I mean, it's like something I would say when I was drunk, only somebody actually did it. Now if someone would spray Hell Yeah with a fire extinguisher full of AIDS.

Kid Rock teams up with Dale Jr
Fuck yes! A few months ago I was floored when I saw Kid Rock's "American Warrior" video before a movie, probably some romantic comedy with Paul Rudd. Anyway, this song fucking jams, I love Kid Rock. The best thing about him is how he let Whoopie Goldberg play drums for him in that song "American Badass" that Metallica sampled. I love that song, especially the thrash part! I don't know why people get all nostalgic about 80s hardcore when there are much more contemporary artists like Kid Rock that thrash just as hard, only with much better production and with tons of strippers in the audience.

False

Devin Townsend releases some new music or something
Devin Townsend/Strapping Young Lad fanboys are some of the most annoying of all them, rivaling Mike Patton dickriders. He looks like some kind of goblin, heaving and straining to play his guitar like he's a troll slaving away in the pits of Mordor to forge a fucking sword or something, balding mullet flapping with every swing of his pickaxe. I never understood what was so great about SYL, although perhaps it's because I mostly remember Devin for his years with Steve Vai. Can someone fill me in? I have a feeling it's the same thing that explains why Dream Theater, World of Warcraft, and Magic The Gathering are popular.

Chicago Powerfest exists
Ugh, I can only imagine what a wretched sausage fest this fucking fest is going to be. I've never heard of any of these bands except for Soil (aren't they ex-Oppressor?), but I don't need to. I'm sure that if there are any chicks there, they'll have long-ass Mormon hair, fat arms, and giant bush- all squeezed into some outfit from Torrid with lots of green and purple velvet in it. All the dudes there will be more interested in jizzing over some dude's sweep picking than trying to get in a girl's pants anyway. Look, I understand the need to escape from reality from time to time, but enough with the fucking castle rock and fretboard masturbation already. At least some of the better bands in this genre like Blind Guardian play with gauntlets on, which is metal as fuck. And didn't Iced Earth have an entire album about the Red Baron?!? I don't know if it's the pilot or the frozen pizzas, either way it's fucking rad.

Metal Injection indulges drum nerds with Sick Drummer contest
Look, I'll admit that I've spent more than a few hours on Youtube watching drum videos from Sikfuk, Decrepit Birth, Origin, and Dave Weckl, but the last thing the world needs is to encourage more young men to stay in their bedroom and play drums. Especially this kind of drumming, which is guaranteed not to get you laid or get you the attention of anyone other than males with beards, beer bellies, and social anxiety. If you are a parent, please don't let your kid play drums. You are dooming him to a life of involuntary abstinence (how's that for a Dumt reference??). Please don't do this to him! Encourage him to play sports, drink alcohol, and wear American Eagle clothes. Everybody reading this knows what a sad, lonely life it is to be a metal fan, and the saddest, loneliest of all of us are the drummers. Shame on Metal Injection for participating!!

Every week the heavily-opinionated writers at Metal Inquisition chime in with their elitist views to bring you the best and worst stories of the week. Be forewarned, that the opinions expressed are completely those of Metal Inquisition and not necessarily those of Metal Injection.

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Sammy Hagar has a new video
I didn't watch the video so I have no idea if it's any good, but I fucking love Van Hagar and Sammy's solo shit. OU812 is the perfect soundtrack to being a douchebag in the summer. "Cabo Wabo" and "Hot Summer Nights" are yacht rock for white trash, like the low rent Jimmy Buffet or Eagles. The depressing thing to note here, though, is that Sammy's current album "sold 7,600 copies in the United States in its first week of release back in November 2008 to debut at position No. 94 on The Billboard 200 chart." The fact that an album can sell 7,600 and be in the top 100 is pretty sad, but not as sad as the royalty check that Sammy will get.

Sacred Reich schedule more Euro shows
I am glad to hear this, because I always liked Sacred Reich and Phil Rind deserves a paycheck! He paid his dues in the 80s and 90s, so hats off to to him for cashing in on the fact that Europeans are morons with no taste who will buy ANYTHING related to metal. Years ago when I was selling all my shit on eBay, I would get like 897345 emails a day that said something like "Hailz from Romania, Mariusz here! You are accepting Greek drachmas for eBay item Excruciating Terror 7"?? I have no US currency apologize. Please enclose package in lead tape as secret police will be inspecting all parcels and I do not wish for painful interrogation!" It made me very bitter, so I hope Sacred Reich milks those fuckers for every penny he can (or drachma, as the case may be).

Guillotine is touring with Unleashed
I have no idea who Guillotine is, but let's talk about fucking Unleashed!! Listening to "Where No Life Dwells" makes me want to put on a viking helmet and throw an axe at the girl whose desk is across from mine.Sorry Betsy, I like you, but "Into Glory Ride" came on and I just lost control of myself!! I take no responsibility for what happens when I am listening to them. My father is from Norway so I think it makes my Scandanavian blood boil to think about Johnny guzzling mead from a horn, summoning the valkyries to lay waste to beardos, Japanese grindcore dorks, Mastodon, Hydra Head, and black metal. I will ask them to spare Aaron Turner's life because he seems like a cool and I like Isis (plus he put out the first Cave In album), but I can't promise anything.

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Slipknot, Iron Maiden, Slayer drummers in some stupid book
There are many annoying things about the obnoxious world of metal fandom, but few of them are harder for me to tolerate than the endless drummer worship. I cannot fucking begin to count the number of times I've heard people get in heated debates about who invented the blast beat, who plays the fastest blast beat, who has the sickest double bass, etc. Jesus christ guys, don't you have something better to do?! I mean almost literally ANYTHING would be more productive, not to mention more dignified, than dick-riding a fucking drummer. I would rather be caught using a Fleshlight in church than watching an instructional drum video or reading this retarded, nerdy book.

Tom Morello's new band is playing with Jane's Addiction
If there is one thing they world doesn't need more of, it's musicians with political opinions. It's not about whether I agree or disagree with their opinions, because since I don't give a flying fuck about politics, it's a moot point. The problem is that nobody wants to hear some idiot with a guitar tell people what to do. And I will let you in on a little secret: all musicians are idiots! Every single one of them! They are all self-absorbed primadonnas who think the world really needs to hear what they have to say… set to music. And setting your political opinions to music is a whole other level of self-centered bullshit. I mean think about it for a second. Who gets up in the morning and says to him/herself, "You know what's missing from this world? More uninformed, half-assed political opinions!" Tom Morello, that's who.

Puscifier is playing a show
I have never heard this band and I don't want to. Apparently the singer for Tool is in it. Look, I liked Tool in like 91-93 or so when I saw them open for like White Zombie or whatever, but I can't handle Tool fanboys. They are not quite as annoying as Mike Patton fanboys, but close. By the way, I've never talked about it with him, but the guy who runs Metal Injection seems like he might be a Mike Patton fanboy: excessively boisterous, makes lots of wacky jokes, and secretly likes 90s nü metal (it's true, ask him) [Ed Note: I am a fan of Mike Patton, but am no longer a fan of nü-metal. I was young and dumb, a friend handed me a CD and I didn't know what it was so I listened to it...]. In any case, I've never heard this band but I can only imagine how annoying this show will be. Sucks to be Maynard James Keenan and get nothing but overweight, male groupies at your shows. Maybe he should quit and be a roadie for Cute Is What We Aim For, I'm sure their leftovers are way better than anything that you'll find at a Puscifier show.

If one thing can be said about the writers of Metal Inquisition (besides the fact that they are assholes) is they are heavily opinionated. Its also possible they know a little more about metal than you do. Which is why we asked them to guest-blog for us and revive our tr00 or False column, where they bring you the best and worst stories of the week. Be forewarned, that the opinions expressed are completely those of Metal Inquisition and not necessarily those of Metal Injection.

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Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Death by Stereo nominated for OC Music Awards
The only thing more fun than slaying the sacred cows of internet metal nerds is praising stuff they hate. With that said, we are excited to see A7X, Atreyu, and DBS win awards in what we can only imagine is the douchiest awards show on the planet. I am guessing that if you had a nickel for every Affliction shirt there, you could live like Scrooge McDuck.

Entombed play a cruise ship!
I have never been on a cruise ship because I was a poor kid growing up and I'm still poor thanks to my ability to make one epicly bad life decision after another. Like many people who grew up poor, though, I am very materialistic and I am always supportive of artists who compromise their integrity for money. So naturally, I was thrilled when I saw that Entombed had signed up to headline the Sweden Rock Cruise! Three cheers for cash!

PAUL STANLEY appears On FOX BUSINESS' 'Happy Hour'
Speaking of naked capitalism, Kiss basically invented the idea of shamelessly exploiting your art for cash. I hate their music a lot, but I love their entrepreneurialism and brand management skills. I mean, you know you're doing something right as a sellout if your band is on fucking FOX BUSINESS! Unfortunately it was just Paul blabbing about his terrible art. I was hoping they would discuss the Kiss coffin, or perhaps Gene's thoughts on emerging markets derivatives in the 90s.

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SCOTT IAN To Host Exclusive Online Poker Tournament
This is nearly as cringeworthy as Alice Cooper playing golf. Look, nobody wants to see an old guy who's trying to stay young and cool forever, but it's also a little demoralizing when you see the guy from fucking Anthrax doing the same stuff as your 60 year old dad. I could definitely imagine Scott working with my pops (he works at a prison with lots of douchey, white trash metalheads), coming over to watch some college basketball and talk about weatherproofing his deck.

Mark Slaughter is also old
In the "kick em while they're down" department, watch Mark Slaughter mangle every aspect of "Fly To The Angels" in this difficult-to-watch video. His vocal performance is appalling, but his stage banter is perhaps even worse, like at 4:00 when he asks the audience, "How many rock n rollers we got out there tonight?!" Thank god for the internets, so any time a moderately famous person does something stupid or embarrassing, it is documented for everybody to see and laugh at. I feel for the poor guy. I'm sure he's just trying to make a few bucks by playing his semi-forgotten hit. He must have known he couldn't really pull it off, but like a real trooper, he got up there and did it anyway because he needed that cash! I'm guessing it's a similar feeling to what you go through every morning if your job is to put on a silly costume and stand on the corner holding a sign for a sale on matresses: "God, I can't believe I have to do this… I'm going to look like such an asshole. Oh well, those bills aren't gonna pay themselves. Fuck my life." Also, note that he kept his margins high by doing this as a solo performance with hired backing band so he didn't have to pay the original Slaughter members to show up.

Dream Theater, Buck Cherry and Billy Talent headline awful festival in Europe
It's nearly spring, which means it's time to announce the lineups for the 890732478623 festivals that seem to happen every summer in Europe. The idea of going to ANY festival seems like about as much fun as shaving your head with a cheese grater to me, but this one is next-level torture. If I didn't know better, I would say that the lineup is a sarcastic joke. It's so awful that I feel like someone went to a lot of trouble to put together the absolute most terrible combination of bands imaginable just so that I would read this headline and go, "Argh, seriously?! Jesus christ…" I am imagining a bunch of guys locked up in a war room, with one of those tables that has miniature soldiers on it and they push them around the map with a little stick. Only instead of little soldiers, they're pushing around tiny statues of Mike Portnoy and Josh Todd, rubbing their hands together and cackling with glee at how angry it will make me when they announce their devilish plot. I mean, Billy Talent?! This is proof that Euros are all retarded. Every single one of them.

If one thing can be said about the writers of Metal Inquisition (besides the fact that they are assholes) is they are heavily opinionated. Its also possible they know a little more about metal than you do. Which is why we asked them to guest-blog for us and revive our tr00 or False column, where they bring you the best and worst stories of the week. Be forewarned, that the opinions expressed are completely those of Metal Inquisition and not necessarily those of Metal Injection.

tr00

Alex Marquez records with Sargon
We are huge fans of all Alex Marquez bands (Solstice, Demolition Hammer, Malevolent Creation, Hellwitch, etc), so we were super stoked to see him back at work, this time with some band from Panama of all places called Sargon. I'd be lying if I said I listened to them for more than a minute or so, but we love Alex so we wish them the best! That said, for his sake, I hope he has some source of income other than playing drums in b-level death metal bands from third world countries… I don't think they have a Sargon 401(k), you know?

No Ozzfest this year
Metal Injection really said all there is to say about this, but here's the deal: Ozzfest has always been a cesspool full of retards that can only be charitably called human beings, Wicked Wisdom shirts, lame staffers, and one awful band after the next playing in a wretched, sweltering shithole. I really don't miss paying $55 to see Hatebreed for the 900th time and shelling out $6 for a slice of pizza. I'd rather see the Ozz family concentrate on making another season of Rock of Love Charm School, preferably with the lovely and talented Brandi M on center stage.

Pro-Pain kicks off a tour with Sworn Enemy and Mantic Ritual
First of all, I have no fucking clue who "Mantic Ritual" are or what that inane name is all about, other than perhaps an indication that the supply of band names is dwindling. At this point, "Slayer 2" would have been a cooler choice. Anyway, I loved Pro-Pain back in the dizzay, and even though I'm positive they are beyond washed up and horrible now, I'm still stoked! My friend used to be in a band with one of those guys and I got all excited and sang the chorus to "Pound for Pound" when I met him… I'm pretty sure he thought I was a complete tard. He was right.

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AKERCOCKE, ABSU, ORIGIN Confirmed For Portugal's SWR BARROSELAS METALFEST XII
What possesses promoters to do these fests?! I can't think of anything I'd rather NOT do than go to fucking Portugal to be crammed in a room with a bunch of gross death metal fans and watch a bunch of boring, riff salad bands like Origin for multiple days. On the positive side, though, there is a band called Rectal Smegma playing! I have never heard of them, but I can only assume they are as talented as they are intelligent.

LAMB OF GOD: We Want To Write Songs That Make Us Want To Drive Fast, Headbang And Punch Things
Nice try, but the only thing Lamb of God makes us want to do is curse ourselves for wasting electrons downloading their terrible records. They were good when they were called Burn the Priest, and I used to love the split 7" with Agents of Satan. But now they are for people with shaved heads, goatees, and Fox Racing shirts, and I am not down with that sickness. I hope the singer gets struck by lightning .

SUCCESS WILL WRITE APOCALYPSE ACROSS THE SKY: New Song Posted Online
I am only mentioning this because my reaction to this headline was like Lisa Simpson when she saw Yahoo Serious: "Those words are English, but they don't make any sense together." Who is this band?! What kind of a retarded name is "SUCCESS WILL WRITE APOCALYPSE ACROSS THE SKY" and why would anybody give a rat's fucking ass that they posted a new recording of to their MySpace? Why do they have a girl in the band that does "samples and media"? Oh wait, I know the answer to that last one. I just don't know which one of these gross beardos she effed. Guys, you should kick her out now. Splitting whatever miserable pittance you make off this band one more way will only make your sad lives that much worse.

If one thing can be said about the writers of Metal Inquisition (besides the fact that they are assholes) is they are heavily opinionated. Its also possible they know a little bit more about metal than you do. Which is why we asked them to guest-blog for us and revive our tr00 or False column, where they bring you the best and worst stories of the week. Be forewarned, that the opinions expressed are completely those of Metal Inquisition and not necessarily those of Metal Injection.

tr00

Testament announces autograph-signing sessions
It's wonderful to see Testament still going strong in the 09! I am sure they'll get tens of fans mobbing them. It would be entertaining to see the mouth-breathing subhumans that actually show up, though.

Mastodon does meet-and-greet at New York Comic Con
I'm not sure what's up with all these crappy, boring bands announcing that they will be doing autograph sessions. I guess that's sort of like me announcing that I will be going to the Victoria's Secret underwear show and receiving blowjobs from 11AM-4PM in the main pavilion. Anyway, this is the perfect fit for Mastodon since, as I have said many times before, all their fans wear rapist glasses and beat off to tentacle rape anime snuff porn, which should be in abdundant supply at a comic book convention.

Believer posts a new song!
The mighty Decibel posted a clip of a new Believer song this week! Fuck yes!! We love Believer a lot, even if they are soldiers in the army of Christ. Like that one song on "Dimensions" that all "The Darwinist! The humanist!!" WTF. Also, did you ever notice how that album sounds exactly like Earth Crisis? Anyhow, we think Believer are the second best thrash band (behind Forced Entry) so we are excited to hear this album! I was also stoked to see that the guy from Killswitch Engage is putting it out because he seems cool.

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DOPE x ZAKK WYLDE COLLABO
It is well known that I like a lot of shitty shit. I mean I love Avenged Sevenfold, Hollywood Undead, and Sacred Reich, but I fucking draw the line at DOPE. I seriously had no idea that this band didn't throw itself on a sword in the early 2000s when the world collectively drove a stake through the black heart of this wretched genre. But no, I see that the corpse of the absolute worst nu-metal band of them all has risen! Thank god they've recruited a lineup of all-star musicians, though, including winners from Genitorturers and Mudvayne. Seriously, you know it's time to stick your head in the oven when you get kicked out of Genitorturers to join fucking Dope.

SUNN 0)) announces some shit
I didn't really read this article so I don't know the details. I'm sure they have a new album coming out or something, I don't know. Beardos will be crowing about it on blogs everywhere so I'll hear about it sooner or later. See my comments above about rapist glasses and tentacle rape.

GOATWHORE, MASTER, GOREAPHOBIA Confirmed For CENTRAL ILLINOIS METALFEST
Master?! Really?? Come on guys… What happened there? You had a mandate to put an incredibly generic, washed up, z-level band that even diehard heshers never cared about, but Devastation and Defiance weren't available? I thought it was bad when I saw Mortal Decay and Jungle Rot headline some crappy fest in 98, but this is next level!

The writers of Metal Inquisition will be back next week with all new hatred. Until then, make sure to check out their blog for more sarcasm-ridden takes on the state of heavy metal.

It’s hard to be tr00. Every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net , Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

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Dillinger Escape Plan vs. Disturbed
Remarks about stage performance led to some highly amusing backtalk and a subsequent media tornado. We live for this kind of shit.

Deicide
Air an amazingly low budget TV advertisement .

Metallica
Released a spurt of new video clips featuring rehearsal footage and clips of new tunes. Good? Too soon to tell, but who isn’t interested?

False:

Madonna
Unknowingly covers Pantera at a live show. Lame.

Scars on Broadway
Daron Malakian and John Dolmayan of System of a Down’s side project, Scars on Broadway, signed with the big boys at Interscope . Why bother with a major these days, especially if you’re already of such high stature? Just pull a Trent Reznor and DIY.

Scott Weiland / The fucked up U.S. legal system
Weiland served 13 minutes of an 8-day jail sentence resulting from a DUI conviction. What the fuck?? Most people get locked up for a year for a second offense. Money rules all.

It’s hard to be tr00. Every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

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Scar Symmetry
Proved that Swedes are still the best at metal by releasing a brand new track “Morphogenesis” from their forthcoming album Holographic Universe, due in June.

Some chick / Deicide
Some chick sings along to Deicide and posts the video to YouTube. Highly amusing.

Trent Reznor
The NIN frontman released an entire new Nine Inch Nails album for free, mere weeks after releasing four instrumental albums (this one has vocals). Could Reznor be the coolest guy on the planet right now?

False:

Korn
Fieldy will write an autobiography. We need this, why?

Kill Your Ex
Terrible band releases terrible music. Nuff said.

Some dude
Some kid talks at length on YouTube about how the metal scene is divided and… who the fuck knows. Someone kid this kid in the head.

It’s never too late to be tr00. Every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

tr00:

Muse
Announce Live DVD/CD details for HAARP (filmed live at Wembley in June, 2007), release clips online, and announce special screenings in select cities.

Meshuggah
New album obZen debuts at #59 on the Soundscan charts, shifting over 11,000 units in its first week.

Killswitch Engage
Justin Foley reveals the secrets behind his beard and Adam D. exposes his nuts for the world to see, then shrugs it off.

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Through the Eyes of the Dead
Lost yet another guitarist after dropping off the Scum of the Earth Tour with Soilwork and Throwdown. It sucks to be these guys right now.

Velvet Revolver
Scott Weiland surprises his band by announcing on-stage that this will be the last Velvet Revolver tour. Matt Sorum and Slash both fire back through the press.

Guitar Hero
Has the backlash begun? Guitar Hero announced a portable version of the hit game for Nintendo DS, but we can't help but wonder if this trend is starting to fade.

 It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

tr00:

Jon Becker
Aspiring singer and gum-chewer Jon Becker becomes a hit on YouTube, singing Skid Row's "The Threat" and hitting piercingly high notes; in between chews of his gum.

Dallas Coyle / God Forbid
The God Forbid guitarist keeps it real by blogging his true sentiments, much to the chagrin of his brother and record label.

Trent Reznor
Made 3/4 of a million dollars overnight by selling out the ultra-special deluxe edition of his new DIY album Ghosts.

False:

Disturbed
Everyone's favorite metal punching bag Disturbed re-wrote their old songs and called it the new single "Perfect Insanity," inciting riots on metal message boards everywhere.

Courtney Love
Degraded drinkers of beer, then responded to a post about it under a fake name on the MetalSucks comment boards.

Munky / Billy Gould
Korn guitarist Munky teams up with ex-Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland and ex-Faith No More bassist Billy Gould for a new supergroup, giving Faith No More fans a reason to cry.

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

trOO

NEW ENGLAND METAL AND HARDCORE FESTIVAL
Best. Lineup. Ever?

NACHTMYSTIUM
Their new song, "True Enemy," is the shit – evil and fucked up and totally awesome for getting high to all at once. So now Century can rest a little easier about losing Behemoth.

ELUVEITIE
The pagan metal band's new album, Slania, is like In Flames with flutes and fiddles and shit. It's currently streaming on the band's MySpace page; then you can check them out when they tour the States this year as part of Paganfest USA.

BLOGGING
A study shows that it helps boost album sales. So now we can tell our moms that we do contribute something to society.

FALSE

ATREYU
Just six months after the release of the shitastic Lead Sails, Paper Anchor the band is putting out one of those "expanded editions" featuring some crappy new songs and a DVD so people will buy the album a second time. What up, Atreyu? You dudes felt you hadn't punished your fans enough the first time you put out the album? Go watch Neverending Story some more. Douche bags.

SOILWORK
Ola Frenning split, meaning the band has lost two guitarists in as many years. Can this once awesome Gothenburg band survive?

DUFF MCKAGAN
The ex-GN'R/current Velvet Revolver bassist has re-launched his "punk" outfit, Loaded. Because he felt people had a little too much respect for him after those John Varvatos ads.

TOM ARAYA AND HIS FAMILY AT THE GRAMMYS
Yeah yeah yeah, so his wife is pretty hot. But the look on the Slayer front man's daughter's face in this picture pretty much says it all. No, little Araya girl, the Grammys are most certainly not metal.

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

trOO

MAYHEM FEST
Mastodon, Machine Head, The Red Chord, Suicide Silence and Slipknot? We're there.

CAVALERA CONSPIRACY
The debut album from the new Sepultura semi-reunion leaked this week and, lo and behld, it's actually really, really good. So, uh, Mama Cavalera's vagina should be proud it spawned those two.

AT THE GATES
'Cause trusted MetalSucks sources tell us they're about to announce a U.S. tour, saving lots and lots fans the agony of having not being able to afford a trip across the pond this summer. And 'cause maybe we judged 'em a little too harshly last week.

THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN
Their new clip for the awesomely catchy "Milk Lizard" reminds us why we ever liked music videos in the first place. Which is not to say that we can actually understand what the fuck it's about. Still, guitarist Ben Weinman shot the damn thing with a broken foot. That's metal.

FALSE

MAYHEM FEST
Disturbed, Five Finger Death Punch, Black Tide and Slipknot? Actually, I think I'm having root canal surgery that day…

THE LAMB OF GOD FAN RE-MIX CONTEST
'Cause this re-mix of "Walk With Me in Hell" sucks really, really hard.

VAN CANTO
This band’s website (which I absolutely refuse to link to, discuss, or ever even look at again) describes them thusly: “Five singers, one drummer. No guitars, no bass, no keyboards but nevertheless an unbelievable melodic metal experience.” But we believe that they are, in fact, the absolute weakest fucking "band" in metal today, if not ever. Like metal wasn't dorky enough without bringing this shit into it. Sheesh.

THE PRETTY BOY FLOYD REUNION
Couldn't they just leave bad enough alone?

WHITE LION
Their new album title, Return of the Pride, features not only what we're fairly certain is pretty much the worst pun ever, but also also features album art that displays a desperate desire to seem "tr00." 'Cause apparently Pretty Boy Floyd getting back together wasn't fucktarded enough.

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

trOO

MESHUGGAH
Despite Nuclear Blast's best efforts, obZen has leaked well before its scheduled release dates. Our review in short: awesomeness in audio form.

HATE ETERNAL
DownloadPunk is hosting a free mp3 of the new track "Bringer of Storms" from the Erik Rutan-led group's forthcoming Fury and Flames. Monstrous, epic, br00tal and melodic all at once, the song erases any worries fans have about Rutan soldiering on with an entirely new line-up and re-establishes his place as one of the greatest minds in modern death metal.

MERCENARY
Speaking of new songs: the band debuted a new song, "Embrace the Nothing," on their MySpace page this week, and it makes us feel confident in calling Architect of Lies an early contender for best power metal album of the year. This shit is aural viagra, bitch.

THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN
Their new clip for the awesomely catchy "Milk Lizard" reminds us why we ever liked music videos in the first place. Which is not to say that we can actually understand what the fuck it's about. Still, guitarist Ben Weinman shot the damn thing with a broken foot. That's metal.

FALSE

SEVENDUST
If this band ever had any actual cred, it went right the fucking window when they announced that they'd be collaborating with American Idol's Chris Douchebag, uh, Daughtry on their new album, Hope and Sorrow (as in, Sevendust fans who hope this album will be good are eventually going to feel sorrow). As if Bon Jovi making country music wasn't bad enough.

BLESSED BY A BROKEN HEART
Just how gay is this band? So gay that even the Taste of Chaos tour didn't want 'em. They did, however, manage to score a Friday night headlining gig at that bar Mahoney keeps tricking Harris into going to in the Police Academy movies. So, y'know, that's a start.

BIOHAZARD
Evan Seinfeld will pull his dick out of pornstar wife/cash cow Tera Patrick just long enough to jump on this summer's reunion bandwagon. That's right: the band that inadvertently paved the way for Limp Bizkit is back. Guess those Super Group residuals aren't paying off the way he'd hoped.

AT THE GATES
Okay okay okay, so they're probably one of the most influential modern metal bands of all time; but that still doesn't excuse the forthcoming re-release of their seminal album Slaughter of the Soul, which combines "special features" from the 2002 and 2006 re-releases with a new live DVD. As Decibel editor Albert Mudrian wrote on The Deciblog, "Like the Olympics, a Slaughter of the Soul reissue only comes around once every couple of years, so you know the folks behind it will lure you in with shit almost as compelling as ice dancing."

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week’s entries:

tr00:

TRENT REZNOR:
Released completely transparent accounting for the Saul Williams album he recently produced and subsequently made available via the Radiohead "pay as you wish" model (sort of: either free or $5). Of the 154,449 who downloaded it, 18.3% (28,322) of those people chose to pay. Though Reznor expressed some disappointment, he pointed out the pluses and continues to look toward the future.

PROTEST THE HERO:
Young prog-metal up and comers released a new video from their forthcoming album Fortres, due January 29, drawing comparisons to Dillinger Escape Plan, Sikth, and At the Drive In.

GIGANTOUR:
Dave Mustaine announced a scaled back 2008 edition of his summer touring package Gigantour, featuring Megadeth, In Flames, Children of Bodom, Job For A Cowboy, and High on Fire. Though the number of bands and size of venues will be more like a Mediumsizetour, the lineup kicks ass.

False:

SHELDON TARSHA:
Singer no one gives a shit about signs to record labels no one has ever heard of. Because playing with ex-GNR drummer Steven Adler does not a star make.

SEBASTIAN BACH:
Insulted his MySpace friends and complained that people weren't buying his new CD because of illegal downloading, all the while coming off like a complete, out-of-touch idiot.

CDs:
Album sales dropped 21% during the holiday season of 2007 from their sales in 2006. With cuts in shelf space sure to follow in 2008, the CD is just about done.

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods. Here are this week's entries:

trOO

LAMB OF GOD
The re-release of one 2006's best albums, Sacrament, comes with a bonus disc that breaks down each song on the album track by track, allowing you to upload the mp3s onto your computer and re-mix, re-record, or pretty much do whatever the fuck you want with each song. Prepare to have no social life whatsoever.

JOSH HOMME
Regardless of how you've felt about all the post-Nick Oliveri QOTSA material, you gotta give respect where respect is due: this week, Homme declared of his record label, "Interscope sucks my dick," and blamed the music industry for its own downfall. Can't fault a dude for telling it like it is…

ELECTRIC WIZARD
Crustcake have posted a retrospective on ’90s UK doom masters Electric Wizard, recently reformed after breaking up in 2002, to release a new album, Witchcult Today. The restrospective even has some free mp3s of class EW tracks. if you don't know this band, you must check this out – they're a fuckin' AMAZING song to get stoned to.

FALSE

LAMB OF GOD
Here's your Christmas lump of coal: at a concert in New York last week, the band announced that there will be no new LOG albums or tours until 2009. That means 2008 will be the first Lamb of God-less year of the aughties. That new Meshuggah album better kill.

BIGELF
After Blabbermouth's Keith Bergman gave their new album a perfect score, we decided to check them out… only to discover that they were a generic stoner rock band that apparently like to take cheesy photos of themselves standing in the mist (rimshot!) of too many smoke machines. Pass the Electric Wizard on the left hand side, please.

ANTHRAX
They've apparently hired their fourth lead singer, Dan Nelson of… some bands you've never heard of. We'd tell what the dude sounds like, but every band he's ever been in mysteriously took all their music down from their respective MySpace pages earlier in the week, leaving us with the rumor that "Dan sounds quite a bit like John Bush." Oh-kay. Hey, Dan? Meet Gary Cherone and John Corabi. Gary Cherone and John Corabi, Dan. You guys should lots to talk about.

ALICE COOPER
The Godfather of Shock Rock admitted that when he got out of rehab, he substituted his substance abuse addiction with an addicition to… golf. In the words of Kip Wingerschmidt: "I'm proud of Alice for kicking the habit of booze, really I am, but for the record — golf is much more fun when you drink. Seriously."

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″ and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods.

trOO

MESHUGGAH
Sure, announcing the track listening of their new album, obZen, is the very definition of "non-news;" but hey, it's a new Meshuggah album, fuckers! So even though we have no idea what a song called "Lethargica" will sound like, just knowing that it's out there gives us reason to live. Now if only they'd announce a release date…

JOHNNY ROTTEN
The Sex Pistols front man is still punk all these years later, and to prove it, he terrorized a press conference where he was supposed to be shilling for Guitar Hero III. With everyone from Led Zepplin to Metallica seemingly selling-out for the man as quickly as they can cash the checks, it's good to know at least one rock legend is still Rotten after all these years. Take that, Slash!

KEVIN DUBROW
More metal heads were probably closet Quiet Riot fans than care to admit, and we can only imagine that at least one of the Randy Blythes or Doc Coyles of the world would never have gotten into extreme music if not for the gateway drug the world knows as QR's cover of "Cum on Feel the Noize." R.I.P., dude.

FALSE

LAUREN "NIPPLE" HARRIS
Talk about nepotism: the shockingly untalented daughter of Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris – whose music isn't even remotely metal (check out her MySpace page if you doubt us) – will support the metal masters on the first leg of Somewhere Back In Time World Tour next year. At least she's hot and has been known to show nipple on stage… so that's something.

RICHARD PATRICK
Now that Army of Anyone seems to be Army of No One, the Filter main man only-man has announced that he'll record a new album for that project, entitled Anthems for the Damned with producer Josh Abraham (Slayer, Velvet Revolver), to be released in March. The album will feature guest appearances from Josh “I’ve played drums on every record ever” Freese, former Marilyn Manson / Rob Zombie guitarist John 5 (who co-wrote two of the album’s tracks), and… ex-Limp Bizkit/ current Black Light Burns guitarist Wes Borland??? C'mon, guys. I know the world of metal is actually pretty fractious, but can't we all just agree that Limp Bizkit (or limpbizkit or cumcookie or however the fuck they spell it) SUCK and we should just not employ anyone who has ever had anything to do with them, ever?

SEBASTIAN BACH
After his craptastic new album, Angel Down, just barely cracked the Billboard 200, his publicist tried to save face by announcing that the disc was #1 on the Billboard Heatseekers chart, and that Entertainment Weekly, that bastion of intelligent metal criticism, liked the album. Baz himself was not available for comment, as it's too difficult for him to speak while Axl Rose is mouth fucking him.

LENNON & JASON SUECOF
The nu-metal mistress is collaborating on a new album with the Crotchduster mastermind and producer of such bands as Trivium, God Forbid, and Chimaira. It is presently unclear if Lennon is just fulfilling a life-long fantasy of fucking a dude in a wheel chair, Suecof just needs a new addition to his house, or how the fuck this came about. Only time will tell how shitty, on a scale of Limp Bizkit to Korn, the album will end up being.

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″ and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods.

tr00

VAN HALEN

Rocking arenas across the country with David Lee "Bar Mitzvah Band Leader" Roth for the first time in 22 years, the band is looking and sounding great. Roth is jump kicking like the days of old, and Eddie reminds us why he's the most influential guitar player in heavy metal in the last… oh, wait, ever.

QUEENSRYCHE

Because Axl Rose was apparently NOT the first one to wear spandex biker shorts on stage, and because this band fucking rocks… and you all seemed to highly agree with the latter.

TOM MORELLO

Serenaded the striking writers in Hollywood to much affair. Now if only he could somehow magically write the remaining unfilmed episodes of Lost, Season 4…

ALICE IN CHAINS

Jerry Cantrell announced that the band is working on some new material and plans to release it in 2008 with William Duvall, who has been handling vocal duties on the road, singing. Will it be any good? Time will tell.

False

GIBSON

Gibson announced a guitar that tunes itself, signaling the dawn of the apocalypse in the form of thousands of useless hacks playing guitar. In addition to Metalcore, that is.

COURTNEY LOVE

Continuing her blog updates of excellent spelling, prose, and grammar, Love confessed to having to deal with the all-dreaded Fica score, all the while slamming Madonna and praising Radiohead. What do these have to do with each other? Fuck if I know.

KORN

Hired Army of Anyone drummer Raz Luzier, marking the 4th drummer to play in the band since May of this year. This band is OVER.

VINCE NEIL

Says Tommy Lee IS in the band after all, despite contradicting statements from Nikki Sixx. As if any new output this band releases will be any good anyway.

It’s hard to be tr00. In this new Metal Injection feature, every week, the editors of MetalSucks.net, Axl Rosenberg and Vince Neilstein, will dissect the week’s stories and decide which stories are deemed worthy of the title “tr00″ and admonish all posers who are false and upset the metal gods.

tr00:

GUITAR HERO III
Metalheads everywhere flocked to stores to get the latest installmentof the Guitar Hero saga, ensuring we'll be wasting our time locked upat home until we defeat Slash on expert.

ENSLAVED featured in NY Times (not for raping or pillaging)
In a most un-Times-like move, the indie rock-centric New York Times published an Arts & Leisure cover article on Enslaved, exposing black metal to the masses.

DREAM THEATER, BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, OPETH, 3 make prog-heads check their pants
All 4 progressive bands announced a spring tour together. The collective shock of prog nerdsjizzing on their keyboards made the Internet crash for a few minutes.

False:

V is for Tattoo?
Some girl got the words 'V is for Vagina' from the cover of Maynard's (Tool) side-project Puscifer — "V is for Vagina" — tattooed right above her crotch. What a fucking moron. At least her kids will be learning their ABCs on the way out.

OZZY FANS
Police in Fargo, ND lured wanted criminals into a trap by promising a pre-show bash and free tickets to the local Ozzy concert, further persisting the stereotype that metalheads are fucking idiots. 30 out of 500 invitees fell for the trick, eradicating their moronic existences from the gene pool.

JOHN VARVATOS
John Varvatos, the designer who is opening up a high-end fashion store in the former location of CBGB's, attempted to assuage the press by claiming he was all about rock and roll. Fuck you, John.