A Female Perspective
In less than a week's time, I'll be aboard the most metal vessel to ever navigate the seas. I am so excited for the 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise that I already have my bathing suit on. If you followed our coverage from last year you already have an idea of how much fun we had and how smashed we got. This year, the line up promises equal or better debauchery. So as I sit here and wait for January 23rd to come I will share the poolside fantasies that bubble in my brain. (more…)
If there is ever a band that can turn a man into a jelly of emotions it's Evergrey. Hold on, don't stop reading just yet if you're not familiar. These aren't your average famished, yelping, tight jeaned, hair covering the face, one eyed looking, emo sewer mutants. Everygrey is a progressive doomy metal band from musical paradise… eehhem I mean Gothenburg, Sweden. (more…)
by: Noa Avior
Since the early days of civilization, groups of people have chosen to gather for a common cause, rallied for reform and rebelled as one against plight. One of the great things about living in an age of technology is that we can be part of a revolution while we're sitting at a desk, in our slippers, face to face with a computer.
A fellow by the name of Richard Donahue has been campaigning via the internet for a greater good. He's created a Facebook group calling for Ihsahn to be attached to Opeth's US Tour (assuming they do one) in 2011. It seems far fetched and as if the creator was moonstruck but I am curious to see if enough "Likes" on a Facebook page can actually influence the formation of a tour. I've enjoyed Ihsahn's trimorphous releases in the last couple of years that I myself have been asking: When do I get to hear this live?! So, Richard, you're clamoring and I hear you.
I think it would be such a testament of modernity if we, the fans, through the internet, influence the structure of a tour that hasn't even been summoned yet. If enough people show their support we can break down the walls of what ever it is that is preventing Ihsahn to come hither.
Even if you don't like these bands, think about your metalhead neighbor. It doesn't take much effort, just a few mouse clicks starting right here.
by: Noa Avior
Maya Hansen, a corset designer, has recently put out a collection of "heavy metal" corsets inspired by such bands as Guns n' Roses, Slayer, Metallica, Misfits, and Iron Maiden. The designs are pretty fantastic. How awesome would it be to add these outfits to our wardrobe? Heavy metal corsets can be the new band shirts. Think about it, ladies! The days of unfitted shirts can be put to an end. No more altering, cutting or sewing. I can see the endless lines at the merch tables now!
The corsets would flatten beer guts and perk saggy tits. The short skirts will accentuate and lengthen bulky, beefy legs. Add a coque feather cocktail hat to cover greasy scalps and hold disheveled hair in place. Voilà! Our hot metal dudes will look even hotter. Like wanton, heavy metal Mary Poppin clones. Peek under their minis for an up skirt view of their Mastodon thongs.
In all seriousness, the corsets are pretty bad-ass. I'm a big fan of DIY metal clothing. I recently discovered the Toxic Vision shop on etsy, which has awesome body suits, among other things. For my girly comrades or for the people who know me in real life and are looking to buy me a gift certificate, there is a giant hint for you! If you know any other DIY shops or small designers for girl wear/ accessories please post in the comments. [via Cakehead Loves Evil
Update: If you want to turn your favorite death metal t-shirt into something else besides a corset you should check out my girl Michelle's alteration services here: http://www.myspace.com/sandmalterations …Or you can fuck off and die.
by: Noa Avior
James LaBrie, you didn't continue life as a battered woman. Mike Portnoy left you for a young piece of meat but you came back showing that the older woman is sagacious and more eager to please.
Static Impulse, LaBrie's new solo album, is a gift bestowed to us Dream Theater children caught in the crossfire of a bitter divorce. I would go as far as saying that it's almost an extension of what I think is Dream Theater's heaviest album, Awake. It'll live up to the standard and expectations of the DT purists, but LaBrie was able stretch the dough beyond this constraint while still baking a well rounded pie. (more…)
By – Noa Avior
Have you ever tried biting into aluminum foil? You know that electric feeling that goes from your jaw to your brain? Well that just happened in my vagina. It might be partially the cancer but mostly a reaction to Cerebral Bore. Thanks to Cosmo Lee over at Invisible Oranges, I have a new lady crush on the frontwoman who goes by the name of "Som". I can't help it and I love when I'm proved wrong but my initial reaction to chicks in bands is that they come off as pretentious, attention loving whores. They just want to be pinup stars and that's cool but it has nothing to do with the music. Simone "Som" Pluijmers on the other hand is just a regular Dying Fetus t-shirt and cargo shorts kinda girl. Her voice is guttural bliss. Her range brings dimension and textures over the music nicely. (more…)
by: Noa Avior
Every now and then I like to peruse the interwebs and look for all the ways that I can truly be a metal chick. Luckily, I stumbled upon the above video that adequately teaches me how to look like one. I just marveled through out the video and was so ecstatic to find such an erudite demonstrator. (more…)
by: Noa Avior
You're probably scratching your head like an orangutan wondering why in the world would a predominantly heavy metal site post a blog about Steven Tyler. Well, Rob hasn't revoked my posting rights yet and I had some time on my hands, so I decided to blaaahg about it.
As you probably don't know, Steven Tyler was kicked out of Aerosmith. Joe Perry and gang promised to continue with a new singer; not quite sure who it is, don't really care. Steven on the other hand recently recorded a track all by himself for some Japanese movie called "Yamato". My guess is they couldn't afford American/Japanese crossover icon Marty Friedman.
You can listen to a looped clip in the trailer (but it's really not necessary). Steven said that he read the script for inspiration but I think he must have been looking at the one for Armageddon. There are spaceships and explosions in this movie too but just with more Asian people. The track sounds like anything else Aerosmith put out after Get A Grip and very reminiscent of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing".
My point is, Steven sucks and I have some better ideas for his mouth, which I will now share with you: (more…)
by: Noa Avior
As I sit here lamenting over Mike Portnoy's break up with Dream Theater I ask myself, why? Why am I eating a powdered donut over my new laptop? Because Mike Portnoy broke my heart. That's why.
Honestly, I don't know why I was so shocked. Over the last couple of years Portnoy's been frolicking with other bands looking for something else to tickle his pickle. Now at the age of 43, after growing out his hair and dying his goatee a multitude of colors, I get it. He's going through mid-life crisis! Where as most men pierce their ears and look for some young broad to shack up with, he is looking to get his fix (see what I did there?) from some young bitches who are in a band. Dream Theater's mistake was to let Portnoy see other people. (more…)