Hey Greg-

I was wondering what you thought about all these metal bands just popping up these days like weeds, and what the whole attraction is to metal bands with makeup, womens pants, and girl hair-cuts? I've seen more than a hundred of these so called "metal" bands who play trash, and then even trashier live. What's up with all this crap happening?

-Iain

Greg's response:

I barely like my band so you can only imagine what I think of these clowns. I'll tell you what, everybody wants to get big without any work. An easy way to get a bunch of "fans" is to look the part. Make-up, tight pants whatever. The ones who last are the ones who are concerned with the rock and not with the appearance. Get souped bad bands!

-Greg

I have a sweet ass mustache but my lady friend wants me to shave it. I dont know what to do. Break up with her or lose my mojo?

Nosebleeds and psychobabble~

Greg's response:

Nosebleeds and psychobabble, cute, real cute. Here's a question for you. Do you think Tom Selleck ever had a lady tell him what to do? He's Magnum "Fuckin'" P.I., of course he didn't. Case closed.

-Greg

Ever since I watched the Evil Dead series I've become attracted to dead women and trees, with the occasional bout of schizophrenical vomitting that protudes from the orafice of my brown notes. I am also convinced that I can saw off my hand and replace it with a neato contraction that fits over my stump, but having it be more like a fourteen inch long black rubber dildo rather than a chain saw. I'd rather fuck than kill. Or killfuck, that's good too.

Any advice on how to continue life in a normal fashion?
- Toliet Tongue

P.S. – Have you ever like…walked into a bathroom and there's a dude standing in front of the mirror naked jerking off into the sink…and instead of walking out you just stand there and watch him, then after a few minutes walk up behind him and rub his ass?Greg's response:
Here's some advice, DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! Do not go food shopping, do not walk the dog and for damn sure DO NOT GO TO A RED CHORD SHOW! It's hard enough dealing with the "normal" people that come out to see us. On a different note, I'm sure after people read this you'll meet a lot of interesting women who will let you lock them in the basement and be willing to call you Ash.
-Greg

hey greg!
gigantour is finally comeing to aus and im goin to the brisbane show!! can
you give me advice on how to sneak backstage? or would dave M just boot my
ass?

oh yea andhow does one whos under 18 get some of the alchohol?…not that im
under 18…noooo ;)

Greg's response:

Whenever I hear the name Gigantour I think of the giant robot cartoon from Japan with the same name. The theme song ruled. So, you want to go see the tour that Mr. Mustaine said we were'nt good enough to be on. Well have fun. As for sneaking in I'd suggest hanging out by the will call box office. That's where family and friends go to retrieve their free tix and backstage passes. Some big tours give family and friends a backstage pass and a ticket but you only need one or the other to get in. Somehow convince a relative of Megadeth to give you the ticket they don't need and then enjoy the show. I'm sure this will go off without a hitch. As for the booze, just steal from the backstage area once you get past the security. I hear that Dave's dry these days so I'm sure he'll let you go to town on his portion.

-Greg

I have a dilemma that might sound kind of strange to you but I just don't know where else to turn.
I play in a band called Bad Acid Trip and we just finished the Ozzfest tour, maybe you heard of us?Well the playing in those extreme temperatures rendered my balls very chaffed at the end of eachshow. But that's not the problem only the cause of a more burdening issue. So what happened was,I came home from Ozzfest and shaved my balls, now that the hair is growing back I have this onepesky hair that decided to grow the wrong way, creating this sort of herpetic looking sore that just won'tpop and hurts like a son of bitch. Worst thing is, when I go see my girl next week she's not going to believethat I'm not some kind of disease ridden,manwhore,touring musician. I know you know what I mean……….What should I do?

Thanks for your time,
Jose Perez
Bad Acid TripGreg's response:

Jose,
To prevent these types of problems I bring medicated gold bond on tour with me. Usually in the morning I throw some in my shoes and on my frontal hello dangley area. This prevents the brutal tour chafe. As for your current problem, soak your buddy in warm water and bring that bad boy to a head, no pun intended. Explain to your lady what happened and hopefully she'll believe you. I was also on Ozzfest this summer and the name Bad Acid Trip rings a bell. You wouldn't have been the band that went over the audiences  head but had almost the entire second stage watching you everyday would you have? I think I saw you guys at catering once eating a baby,
-Greg

i live in south florida and i want to start a metal band. Problem is, i cantfind anyone that wants to play metal, theres nothing around here but ska andpunk (sometimes your occasional industrial). How do i get people to playmetal, please help before i kill one of these pussies.Johnp.s. fuck ska

Greg's response:
John, So, do you like ska? I'd better help or there will be a jump in the pussy murder rate in southern Florida. Speaking of Florida, isn't that where all that great death metal came from? And you can't find anyone to play with? You might not be looking hard enough. Have you been to all the local music shops to hang up wanted flyers? Have you read the local music mag want ads? I say be patient. You'll hear through the grapevine that there are these brutal dudes two towns over that need a "whatever it is you do" in their band. Another way to go is to join a band that isn't as cool as the band you want to be in. You'll be in a band, which is better than not being in one, and you'll make better conections that way. That's what I'm doing now,

-Greg

My best friend is getting married soon but I still don't know what to give them for their wedding gift. Do you have any ideas as to what would make a great gift. Your advice would be greatly appreciating.
Thanks,
Manny

Greg's response: Man-dawg,I was recently my cousins best man at his wedding and I got them a congrats gift, a wedding shower gift and a wedding gift. By the end of it I was just throwing cash at him. In return I got a very nice watch, some sandles and a six of IBC. Since he's your best friend get him something that might bring him back to the days of old, back before he decided to give up his life. Make him remember the good times and have it relate to you. That does it for advice to Manny, here's some advice to everyone else out there. Try not to date your cousins friends. One of my ex's was in the wedding party and another ex showed up to the wedding. It was very comfortable being there with those two and my current girlfriend. I was always too lazy to put any effort into geting a girlfriend and it bit me in the ass. Look past friends and relatives to find that special someone or you might be seeing them for the rest of your life.

-Greg

Until about 8 months ago, I was rocking a big-ass beard and some shoulder-length Jesus locks. Then I was fired from my public radio job. Needless to say, a haircut was in order if I was going to find (legal) gainful employment. I retained the beard, cutting it short along with the rest of my hair. I want long hair again, but need to keep up a “neat and clean” appearance for my job. What do you recommend?
-A.J.

Greg's response Oh man, I always wanted a job in radio. Imagine being able to talk for a living. I'd get real fat and just sit in my dj chair eating 10X10's and pounds of animal fries from In n' Out burger between songs. I'd also only play the most horrific aweful music ever created for hours on end with no break. I'd piss in bottles. A.J., a job is a very important thing to have in todays world. Cutting your hair was the right thing to do because even if you don't look cool now at least you have money.

-Greg

 Dear Greg:

I got one dumbass question, afgter listening to some Eminem song and hearing him say "I'd rather fuck a whore with a knife." I got to thinking.

Dear Greg,

My boyfriend is a guitarist in a Mass-based band.  He's been playing with
this band for about a year now, and during this time, he's gotten to be very
good friends with the bassist.  This works out well because the bassist is a
pretty decent guy and I enjoy spending time with him.  The problem is his
girlfriend.  She's smart and funny, not to mention that she's a stone-cold
fox.  When we go out on double dates, I find myself wishing that we were on
a single date: just her and me.  Greg, I feel like I've exhausted all my
resources and I don't know what do to.  Can you help me?

-Helpless in New Hampshire

Greg responds:

Wow! Finaly a sexy lady question. The little boy in me wants to tell you to ditch the losers in the band and get in on with the lady. The big kid in me will tell you that mixing business, pleasure and friendship never ends in anything but heatache for guitarists and bassists alike. Ladies are stone cold fox's but if you're already in a sweet romance why ruin it.

-Greg

PS- Maybe just make out with her and let them watch.

If you found out that all the greatest metal bassists in the world were

girls which one of them would you have sex with personally I'd take on Steve
DiGiorgio because I'm into older women. So which one would you go for?
Since you're right I need your advice on who I should pick.

Thanks,
Josh.
Greg's response:

Josh,
Thank you for the question but I have one of my own to ask you. How do you know that the greatest bass players in ther world aren't female? I mean, ladies aren't just for cooking and cleaning anymore. I find your question very sexist and you should be ashamed. But to answer it, you should sleep with Bootsy because he's from outerspace and that's cool. Be safe and always wear protective space boots,

-Greg

Dear Greg

Hey my names Raman (rum-in) and my question is about the little message at the back of the Clients booklet. What inspired you guys to write fictional lyrics? I found them extremely thought provoking, and made me enjoy the album in a whole other way.

Greg responds:

First off Raman, I love your noodles and secondly my band isn't that interesting. Again, this is an advice column but I will answer your question about my crappy band, The Red Chord. The passage that I believe you're referring to, as I don't have a copy of the CD near enough to check, is a passage that our singer Guy wrote to go along with the record. It basically tells of a regular day at work for him. That's were he got the inspiration for the record if you can believe that. He also wrote one for the first record. I'm sure there is one in the works for our third one as well. I agree with you though, I rather enjoy it too. Let's dance,

-Greg

Hey Greg from The Red, how are things? I guess first let me start off by extremely regreting not catching you guys at ozzfest. But no one wants to here that… I'm actualy siting here listening to Clients for the gazillionth time and was curious what the phone call recorded at the end was? Did it actually happen, cuase its funny as hell. I was also browsing the internet and found a picture of you guys playing The Legion Hall and couldnt help but notice the awsome municipal waste tee-shirt you had on. Fuck yeah dude! Killer band right? I was curious if you had been to any of their shows recently, cause i got to finaly see them via SOTU and got rocked the shit out of.P.S. Could you follow up on Dmitiri's question from from a while back conserning Guys work-out plan? and yea, please dont make fun of me for noticing.

Greg responds:
"Please don't make fun of me for noticing". So I shouldn't make fun of you for eyeballing my male lead singer so closely that you noticed that his muscles got bigger? No problem buddy, I won't. Although this is an advice column I'll go ahead and answer this TRC question. For those at home who have no idea who I am, and I'm sure there are plenty of you, I'm in a band called The Red Chord. The "phone call" that my friend here is referring to is on our latest record "Clients" as a secret track. That is non other them the band's good friend Nasty Eric who called Guy during the early stages of recording and left that message. We thought it would be funny to throw it on as a secret track. To make it even more creepy we pitch shifted a pan flute that Gunface played and put it under the message. Onto question two. Municiple waste, in my opinion, is the best thrash band to come out in the last ten years. I proudly wear their shirt. Speaking of which we are touring with them again in October. Come out and see us with them and GWAR. It'll be fun, I promise,
-Greg

Dear Greg,
>Yo man. I've got some problems with the band that I'm currently in. Yes
>problemS plural. For one, our guitarist SUCKS ASS! He can only play a few
>chords, and when he tries to play lead it sounds like a monkey playing with
>one of those toy guitars you give your little neice/nephew. He started
>playing a year and a half ago, and still sucks ass. He is completely
>uneducated about the equipment he runs, and any and all forms of music
>including tabs. How hard can tabs be to read? He needs some serious
>edumacation on his guitar, he doesn't know the head from the bridge. I'm
>surprised he can even string his guitars. When people ask him a question
>about it, he replies "I don't know anything about that, I just play my
>guitar"
>Ok now for the other half. Our singer sucks ass. He's a spoiled rotten
>baby, has gotten everything he's ever wanted in life, and gets pissed if
>you try to correct him, even when you're being as nice as possible! So
>obviously everyone is afraid to tell him to change his singing or get the
>fuck out. He's never sang before in his life which is weird I thought
>everyone sang in the shower or in their car? But what do I know. Anyways,
>he's a stuck up little bitch and needs some vocal lessons.
>I, myself, play bass, and you know as you mentioned before, bass isn't hard
>so I got nothing to worry about, but its pretty bad when I have to write
>lead parts to songs, and fill in what the guitarist can't do with a few
>strokes of the fingers (no perverted thoughts crossed my mind….ok it
>did).
>Anyways We need some help what do you suggest?
>
>Keep on rocking, the music is great,
>RobGreg responds:

Rob,

Here's some great advice. Next time you ask anyone anything in a written form get to the point. I don't remember any of your question because I fell asleep half way through it. Here's the deal, CLEAN HOUSE! If you are serious and others are not then get rid of them. If you are friends with them then let them know that it's not working out. If you don't want to hurt their feelings then start another band and just never show up to your current bands practices. If they are the only musicians in your town go to another town and look. When I was in high school I was in three bands and two of them were made up of out of towners. Besides finding people who were willing and able to play what I wanted there was the added bonus of more people coming to the shows. Good luck Rob,

-Greg

Submit your question to Greg by e-mailing askmeimright@metalinjection.net

To submit your questions to Greg, e-mail askmeimright@metalinjection.net

Daniel writes:

Hello Greg….greetings from Denmark (the capital of Sweden). I recently formed a new metalband (deathmetal oriented). Before that I played in another band, but I quit it because my bandmates were more interested in partying in the jammer and drinking than actually creating some music. I need your advice on how to make the jam sessions more effective, so we dont fall in to a black hole and nothing is getting done like in my former band. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve; making riffs, jamming together, song writing ect…..?? – thanx!

Greg responds: I could see how attempting to jam with people who are more into drinking, partying and, no doubt, your world famous bikini team would be most annoying. Here's what you do. First off, set up a regular practice schedule that is the same time and same day(s) of the week. Secondly, lay down the law! Let your band mates know that they can be sober for at least three hours a week and that even though "partying in the jammer" is hip it can happen after practice. Lastly, buy a dry erase board to mark the sections of each song and to see your progress. Practice is not a time to get wasted that's what tour was invented for.

Dmitiri writes: I'm going to skip the whole "I love the Red Chord, you guys are the most brootal doodz evar, ass kissing shit, etc…" Needless to say I am a huge fan of the music, but it's also the Red Chord's attitude and sense of humor that makes me love your band even more. I admire that you all don't take yourselves too seriously and how you seem to thoroughly enjoy yourselves everytime i've seen you play (except for Brad, which I don't get because if I could shred on the drums like him I'd be grinning like an idiot nonstop). Regardless, I kinda felt like an asshole when nearly 3-4 months after I purchased one of your t shirts at a show, I realized that you all had hidden the line 'Don't tell dad I'm gay" amidst some swirly art on the shirt. Now mind you, I was laughing my ass off when i found this, but then I got kind of pissed because I realized the merch guy was probably laughing his ass off when he sold me this shirt knowing I would be completely ignorant to the subliminal messages it contained. But alas after some thought, I was completely overwhelmed by the display of sheer brilliance on the bands part at being able to make kids pay money to make fools of themselves. I was just curious, have you guys done this type of tomfoolery with any other designs or merchandise? Long Live the moooooooooon.

P.S. Is Guy rocking the roids, I saw some recent pictures of the band from Ozzfest and his arms look enormous compared to the last time I saw you all play in FLA? If not, I need his workout plan ASAP. (please don't make fun of me for noticing).

Greg responds: I can't believe you noticed Guy's arms, you may have picked out the shirt in question subliminaly. Although this is an advice column and this is more of a band question I will let it slide. The only thing my band takes seriously is the music we play and the attempt to put on a good show. At our shows sometimes there are "dude bras" who beat on girls and little kids. These "dude bras" enjoy shirts with skulls and wings on them. We presented this to Paul Romano, workhardened.com, our layout, t-shirt and all around great guy guy and he presented us with a shirt that has skulls, wings and an encrypted message. "Don't tell Dad I'm gay". We thought it would be funny if all the hard looked hooligans had that scribbled on their shirt. As for you getting pissed, c'mon that's shit's funny. In the future though I'd take a long look at our t-shirt designs before buying one.

Jake writes:

its jake troth, we met on ozzfest. I was with BTBAM. I need your help. .
..bad. . .
I know you every now and then you break out your hiphop skillz on tour,
performing first at red chord shows and spit hot fire on the mic. I was just
wondering where you found your Inspirado at and how can I become a better
battler.
if youre not busy, please give me a taste of Dirt Mistaken for Weed.
I need ideas. HELP ME!
sincerely,
the tall kid.

Greg responds: Oh Jake, Ha ha. For those of you, like Jake here, that know me you've probably heard me rap quite a bit. Gunface and I are often found beat boxing and trading rhymes at every TRC show. On Ozzfest we were joined every night by the bus area with Tommy Rogers of BTBAM fame who is the only other person on that tour who could hang with our skills. I guess the advice I would give is that let your words flow naturally. Don't worry about rhyming them at first, that will come later. Rap about your day or your shoes or your baby's mama. Grab a dictionary and a thesaurus and get smart on some punks ass. The more words you know the more your rhymes can flow. Peace
PS- Check out Jake's band "Glass Casket".

Daniel M. asks:

Dear Ask-Me-I'm-Right,

I've been having some trouble growing a full, manly beard. I figure you
of all people could give me some advice on this.

Dan

Greg responds: Dan, I'm glad you brought this up. There is an easy way and a hard way to help you grow that beard. The easy way is time. Our tour manager Dickhouse wanted a moustache and he grew one for two months and then I think he even dyed it a darker color. In all honesty you still couldn't see it. The hard way is more fun and only takes a month. Travel up to Maine and go deep into the northern forest area until the trees make it impossible to drive. Leave your vehicle behind and walk until all sounds of civilization are no more. Chop down trees with you teeth and make a cabin. Pack your face with earthy moss and mud every night before bed and dream of bar fights. hunt for your food using only your hands and on the final day of the month sit in your cabin and meditate. Listen to the sounds of nature and pray to the animal spirits who fell in order for you to eat. That final night walk to the top of the tallest mountain and challenge the elder bear to an arm wrestling challenge. If you lose he will eat you but if you win, oh, if you win, he will breath the secret of the beard into your lungs. From that day on you will grow hair at an alarming rate and you will be respected by nature and all its creatures.
PS- When you see the elder bear, tell him Greg says hi.

We're glad you've taken the time to read this column, and actually learn something. Don't forget…To submit your questions to Greg, e-mail askmeimright@metalinjection.net

Dude sup, I just entered college and a pal and me want to form a band, we
don't have a lot of money to buy a drum kit and some gear for my pal's
guitar and we can't get a job 'cuz this friggin school kicks our asses so
badly, do you have any advice for how getting money and starting our band?

PD: We mean to do a Thrash Metal band, so that you know.
Greg responds:

Wow. I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're an english major. Here's the deal. When I went to college I was in two bands and  worked two jobs. My family and friends rarely saw me because I was always working, studying or practicing. If you really want a band then find any way, that's legal, to get the money. Start looking in local music stores for deals or the want ads. Keep your ear to the ground for deals and good luck.

-Greg

Submit your question to Greg by e-mailing askmeimright@metalinjection.net